What I'm thinking about

Today is a good day.  I am finally coming out of the chemo fog and feeling like myself again.  I had plenty of energy for church.  And even if I got confused, like I was so afraid I would on the chemo, I knew I could roll with it just fine.

I announced during prayers that I have stopped the chemo and opted for surgery.  I have three Sundays after this one and then will miss 3-4 Sundays.  I told them when I returned I would be in a wheelchair for a few months.  I purposely neglected to say "amputation" from the pulpit.  That word really scares people, so let those that have ears hear and the rest can catch up later.

Now that I am returning to life from out of the chemo fog I am so much more certain I am making the right decision.  I have known in my heart that amputation was in the future for a long time now.  This is a deep knowing.  Pastor friends, this is a knowing like knowing I am called and knowing which church God is calling me to.  I have had a knowing about amputation for months.  Now that the decision is officially made, I feel at peace with my future.

I have realized that with this choice I will look different and I will move different but it will still be me.  All my spunk, all my energy, and all the humor with which I approach life will all be there.  In the chemo fog I lost those things, I lost myself.  It was not a good path for me.

I know this is a strange and hard choice but I am thankful it is a choice I can make.  Amputation is always an option for GCT in the ankle but it is so frightening that few people choose it.  My DR has another patient with GCT in the ankle and she is choosing the new chemo that has led to liver failure.  Good luck and prayers for her.  That was so clearly not my choice.  My DR has patients with GCT in the knee, hip, and shoulder and for these folks chemo for life is the only choice.  So I feel lucky I have options, for me this is a blessing.

I'll share more about my thought process in the days to come.  In the meantime imagine what you would do.  You have three weeks left with your left foot, what needs to get done?  I can tell you the list of things I want to get done is long, and I need to prepare the house for a new type of movement.  Plus, how does one prepare their kids for such a change.  Lots to think about.  And some things will inevitably be left undone.

Friends, thank you so much for your prayers and words of encouragement.  I avoided reading Facebook after I last posted because I was afraid.  Last night I read my Facebook comments and felt so moved to know I am not the only person who thinks I can get through this.  I think I can do it, and others think I can do it, so I must be able to do it.  I will.  I can.  It will be ok.  Thanks for holding me in your hearts.  I will need it in the weeks and months to come.  Love - H