Hanging in There

So this whole journey continues to be a learning process for me.  I am learning what to say, and mostly what not to say to people who are in periods of suffering in their lives.  I am also learning what to say about my own suffering.

Sundays are hard.  For an introvert who is a pastor who is passionate about dynamic and meaningful worship Sundays are always hard.  For an introvert pastor on chemo Sundays are the worst.  I am already scraping bottom and now I need to pull out all the stops.  I got nothing, but I need to come up with something because it is Sunday morning and (Lord have mercy) there are visitors out there so I better make this look good.

Everyone asks me how I am on Sundays, which is natural.  They want to know how I am.  And if you know me you know I am honest to a fault.  Well, that is a bad combination on Sunday morning.  "How are you?" "ughh . . .blerg" (think guttural noise with a frown)  I make it clear I am not good and then the person who asks is upset.  They really want me to feel better, or they really need me to be able to perform because its Sunday morning, or probably both.  And we both end up feeling bad.

Because the thing is, I'm not going to get better.  According to this path I am not going to ever get off chemo or get used to chemo or get better.  I'm going to feel bad for a long time.  That's just the way it is.

And so Sunday I realized I can't just say "ughh . . . blerg" when folks ask me how I am.  So what do I say?  Do I lie and say "I am fine".  That was my first instinct.  But that's a terrible idea because we would both know I was lying and I hate lying because I am such a terrible liar.

My mother suggested I say "I'm coping" but I don't like that either.  That suggests I have everything under control and I most certainly do not have everything under control.  I am not coping.

And then my church secretary had the best answer.  She asked me on Monday (she's a non-church goer) "are you hanging in there?" and I thought, that's perfect!  "Yes, I am hanging in there"  Like that stupid cat on the poster I am hanging in there.

I am about to fall, I totally don't have it under control, I am not coping, I am "ughh . . . blerg", and I am hanging in there.  Just like that cat.  I might get back in the tree or I might plunge to the ground at any moment, but I sure look like I am going to fall.

Hanging in there.  That's how I am.  And now I have something true to say.  "How are you?"  "Hanging in there"