My life exists totally in liminal space right now. The chemo I take everyday is poisoning not just my tumor but my body as well. It is robbing me of life, but not killing me. It is forcing me into a grey area where I live on the margins of my old life.
Every morning I wake up feeling bad. I feel like you might feel when you are coming down with the flu. I am achy, tired, and my stomach is upset. But I never get sick. I am always coming down with something. But I never get sick. And I never get better. Each morning I wake up and I am so sad to be here again, another day, in this awful grey space. Not dying, not sick, but not living either.
Today is another bad day. I think I did too much yesterday and I am paying the price. And there is so much today that has to be done. Kids need to go to the doctor for check ups (I'm only three or so years behind) and that will mean waiting forever in the waiting room with a face mask so I don't get sick. And Session is tonight, with COM coming (finally) but that will mean long, tense discussions keeping me way up past my bed time and past my peak energy time. I am dreading every bit of this day.
But then the day will be over. Tomorrow will be a new day, with its own to-do lists and struggles and still feeling bad but at least it will be tomorrow. I try to find hope wherever I can.
And flowers, today and yesterday there have been flowers. And they always seem to make the world a brighter place, don't they? They at least remind me that even though I am wilting right now, I can't wilt forever. One day I will bloom bright again. At least I hope so. The longer I take this chemo the more I become convinced that I can't live in this liminal space forever. I just can't.
Happy Flowers
No comments:
Post a Comment