Today is a better day. One step at a time. Moving forward with hope.
I am thinking about how all this plays out (of course I am) wondering why I would have been led down this convoluted path. I realized that I needed to accept amputation in order to say no to chemo. And it is in saying no to chemo that I am saying yes to surgery. That was the choice I made, and it is a good choice. Hopefully now, surgery will be a success. Recovery now can't be nearly as hard as amputation would have been, right?
Everyone is reminding me about all the great things I said about "one day at a time" and all that. Preaching on a blog or in a pulpit is a lot easier than living into fear. Yes, one day at a time. Today is a good day and just go with that I guess.
I am fascinated in this whole process by my own reluctance to pray for myself. As a Pastor I spend lots of time in prayer, but it is always for other people. I carry their burdens around and bring them before God. I am not as good at praying for myself. I don't ask God to give me things or do things for me. I know you are out there praying for a miracle for me. I'm not sure I can pray for a miracle for myself.
It is so much easier to pray for other people. To ask God to do for them. And its not like I don't want God to do for me too. Its just that I know God is with me, whatever day now brings, and whatever day tomorrow is. I don't need to pray for that (and it is the only thing I would ever ask for myself) because I know so surely it is true.
So there will be hardship, there will be suffering, there will be pain, and a long recovery and of course God will be there. And it will be months or even years before we know if this is a success and it doesn't really matter. Because God is in all those moments too.
God just is. And I just am. And so we are together no matter what comes.
OK then. One day at a time. (or the best I can manage at that struggle to let go of my deep desire to plan and control) This is my constant lesson. My daily lesson. Ok then.
GOD put all of your friends and family on this earth to pray for each other. You pray for others and we pray for you. The prayer circle. I have a hard time praying for myself also but that is where friends and family step in and pray for me. What a journey you have gone through already but like you said God is with you and your family every step of the way! You have wonderful family support. Even if some of us are all the way up in ND! Thinking of you often! Jody
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