Can we just not?

Today I just can't.  I don't want to talk about it.  I don't want to think about it.  I just can't.

Somedays I console myself thinking at least I have this time to prepare.  At least I can get ready to be gone from work and prepare the house and prepare the kids.  I can make plans for amputation.  Someone somewhere today will have an amputation they have no idea is coming.

But other days I hate this "prep" time.  I hate this terrible countdown.  I hate having to face what lies ahead.

My work week is Sun-Thur.  That means this is the end of the week.  That means I have one week left until my surgery.  At least one week of office work.  Its a week and a half of real days.  What a wretched countdown.  And I can't stop the clock.  I can't help counting down.  How many days left?  What still needs to get done?

And I know you love me but there is nothing you can do to help.  There is nothing that will make this better.  There is nothing that will make this OK.  So please, just leave me alone today.

I don't want to do this anymore.  And so if I don't talk to you I can pretend this isn't happening.

I have never lost a loved one that was super close to me, but I imagine this is pretty typical for stages of grief.  Like a part of me keeps thinking that somehow this isn't happening.  And then a wave of reality washes over me and I know I am having my foot amputated.  My GOD!  My foot will be cut off in 12 days!!  What the F***!  That sucks!!

And don't tell me I'm strong and it will be OK.  I am not strong I just am.  And it won't be OK it will just be.

So hurry up and get here you shitty amputation day.  Let's get this damn thing over with so I can get on with my life.  I am tried of preparing for such an awful thing.

And you all, I love you, I really do.  But just leave me alone today.  This sucks.