It was a bad day all around. And then someone said something that really upset and frustrated me. And the worst part - I took it out on an unsuspecting church class.
Those nice little ladies of Brown Bag Book Group got a dose of a super pissed Pastor Heather. My anger had nothing to do with them, but they bore the brunt of my bad mood as I sought to pop every bubble and counter every comment. I said, "I'm all out of warm fuzzies" and I meant it. They got a taste of the unfiltered angry pastor that sometimes shows up in sermon writing but never in one-on-one encounters.
After work I came home and really had a cry fest, feeling angry and sorry for myself. But the thing is, I'm not upset about losing my left foot in two weeks. I'm upset at what clueless jerks everyone is being about the whole thing.
You see, I do a lot for a lot of people. Classic caregiver type pastor if there is a problem I'm probably going to fix it. And I'm always going to listen to your problem and be loving and nice.
The thing is, that person is going away soon. Scary new pastor will be here with only one foot and probably some pain. She might work like she used to but she will never be the same. Something everyone loves is dying.
And so, people are really needy right now. They really want me to do things for them and be there for them and go out to coffee, lunch, etc. People can't deal with the fact that I don't have time for them.
I mean, literally, they can't hear it. They'll say, "lets get coffee sometime" and I'll say "I don't have time" and then a few minutes later they'll say "so text me about that coffee."
I'm a limited commodity and everyone wants to get a piece.
And NO ONE is thinking about what I might need right now. I do not have enough time for me in this mad whirlwind of preparing for amputation let alone for them. Its crazy.
Pastor people, I know you get this. Like we aren't real people or we don't have needs. Everyone is worried about me and then they come to me and expect me to comfort them in their worry about me. It's my foot people - take care of yourselves for once!
And the real kicker is, no one even realizes they are doing it. Everyone is well meaning and loving and no one realizes that they are smothering me with their need and I have nowhere safe for my need.
I need to be the one OK with amputation every time I am church. I need to be the one OK with amputation every time I am home with my kids. So when do I get to be the one upset about amputation?
Not fair!! Commence hissy fit!
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