Acceptance

I am still coming to terms with this new plan.  I am sure you imagine I would be thrilled at the chance to keep my foot.  But I am scared that this will mean more suffering and hardship for me.

I am still trying to wrap my head around how we got to this point.  Didn't my DRs talk to each other?  I guess they did and they didn't.

The last time I saw my surgeon in August he said he could not cut out this tumor.  He said there was too much scar tissue and he could only make it smaller.  He told me to go to the oncologist and try immunotherapy.  "this is a really frustrating disease"

So, I imagine he called the oncologist and said "I'm sending you a Giant Cell Tumor I can't cut out".

The oncologist told me the options.  I rejected the immunotherapy clinical trials, and tried the chemo.  And we know that was not good for me.  I asked the oncologist about surgery and he said the surgeon probably cannot cut it out.  These tumors are like that.  "this is a really frustrating disease"  So I chose amputation.

I imagine the oncologist called the surgeon and said "I'm sending you a Giant Cell Tumor that is choosing amputation."

And so all the amputation gears clicked into place and all the plans were made.  And yesterday my surgeon looked at the file again.  He looked with the prosthetist and another consulting doctor and with his nurse.  And they must have talked awhile because I was almost an hour late for my appointment and that was unusual.

And he came in and said "no, no amputation."  This is the same Dr who said in August he couldn't cut it out.  And now he wants to try to cut it out.  He said, "you didn't like immunotherapy" and I said  "I did chemo" and he said "no you didn't" and I said "yes I did Gleevec" and he said "I didn't want you on chemo".  (what is going on here?!?)

And now we are going to try again?  And I'm glad because maybe I can keep my foot and I am scared because the odds are against me.  That in the end this will mean more surgery and more pain.  In the long run, this may not be the good choice.  Again he says "this is a really frustrating disease".

I was ready to amputate and be done with Giant Cell Tumor.  And now he wants to try again.  And he said, if I can't get it this time I want to try again after that and do radiation.  This is exactly what I didn't want to do.  I wanted to be done with this.  The more surgery we do the harder the recovery is and the more my brain maps pain in my left foot and the more I am looking at amputation with phantom limb pain.

So I am glad and I am frustrated.  I made a choice and now my surgeon took my choice away.  And I keep telling myself that if this was an option, one more try with surgery, I would take it.  So really, this is OK.  Right?  But it doesn't feel ok.

It seems too scary.  This is the Hail Mary pass and its my foot he's throwing.  The odds are against success.  But we have prayer right?  This is the plan right?  God, why this roller coaster?

My neighbor said this morning, "maybe its like Isaac" and maybe it is.  I had to be ready to say goodbye to my foot to keep my foot.  I just hope this is about keeping my foot and not about keeping his ego.

I don't have a choice though.  I only have a prayer.

Here's my star word from Epiphany.  Think I can manage this this year?