Blerg

Blerg.

That's how I feel.

Blerg.

I'm two days into my oral chemo regimen.  Can't complain really.  Day one was nausea and general fatigue and fogginess.  Like the day after drinking too much without the party.  Blerg.

Day two I tried the Zofran at night and woke up with a headache.  Great!  We're doing all the hangover symptoms now.  Blerg.

The plan (as if there could be a plan) is to try this for three months and see if the tumor responds.  No way I could do this forever!  After that we will have to decide.  Surgery again?  Or can you cut the tendon and then cut the tumor out then?  If we get all the cells it might be gone forever but you can't get the tumor because its wrapped around the tendon.  Or do we just amputate?  Hard to say.  Need to see what the chemo does.

Folks keep waiting for me to get upset.  To yell or scream or curse or just lose it.  But I don't have it in me.  Maybe I am just cynical.  Maybe I have seen too much in this world to feel sorry for myself.  Life is so much worse for so many other people.  Even with my evil benign tumor I still have it pretty good.

Yesterday I was explaining my outlook to a friend.  I said "there is no future where I don't have this or don't have to suffer.  Every future outlook is scary.  I can either be OK with it or moan and groan.  The only thing I have control over is my outlook.  I think I'm ok."  "Yes," she said, "but you don't have to be ok.  I know you CAN do it, but you don't HAVE TO do it."

Hmm, I thought.  Maybe I should feel sorry for myself.  I got into my car and contemplated driving to the lake to cry alone a bit.  

No, I don't have it in me.

And then I went home to clean the house.

Blerg.