It's been awhile since I posted. That's because I am really struggling and I don't want to talk about it.
This has been a difficult few weeks. It is good to put weight on the foot. I am still wearing a big boot but I am able to walk slowly without my cane. Plus, my scar is healing very nicely and I don't have too much swelling. So back to work full time and things look good.
But things don't feel good. I am having nerve pain. A lot of nerve pain. My whole leg below the knee is super sensitive to touch. And my pinkie toe is on fire. It feels like I've had a giant blister and all the skin has peeled off. Nothing is wrong with it of course, everything appears normal. But the pain is intense. Nothing feels good. If I take my sock off to let it breathe after 15 minutes I can no longer stand the pain of the air on my toe.
To make matters worse the pain is always changing. Some days I am ok during the day. Some days, like today, I get waves of pain in all my toes. Today it feels like someone is torturing me with electric shocks administered to my toes at random intervals.
There is no relief for this that I can find. Tylenol and Advil don't touch it. It's not like any normal ache or pain I have had. It is electric pain energy. During the day I just try to ignore it and keep going. During the night I can't sleep at all. I lie in bed and try to relax and accept the pain. It's all in my head right? But my body wants to escape the electricity so my legs just keep kicking. Not fun.
In other news, yesterday I was supposed to be installed as Moderator of my Presbytery. Only I wasn't supposed to be I guess, because I had to resign from that position. It is hard watching that moment pass. I know if it is God's will, I will have a chance again. But still, I am sad. I couldn't get to the Presbytery meeting, I can hardly get through my day. And I can't commit to any committees, I can't even commit to a family summer vacation. I don't know what's happening, when the next surgery is, or how long I will have my foot. The next few years are totally up in the air. So yeah, that touches a nerve too.
So, I haven't posted because I am upset. I know I should feel happy, I have my foot right? But I am really struggling with pain and disappointment and fear. What if this nerve problem can't be resolved? This is the exact brain mapping type pain that I read about when I was studying up on amputation. I am so afraid this will never end and then we will amputate and then this will be my phantom limb pain forever. This is so not the path I wanted to be on.
So yeah. I just keep going. I'm ok. This morning my husband pointed out I always say that, "I'm ok". I think that's because its the only thing I can say. Not being OK is not an option right now. If I keep telling myself I'm ok then maybe I will be.
Trying to manage a chronic illness is learning to be ok with being ok. Its awful, and often impossible, and some days it works and some it doesn't. I try to breathe through and remember that this too shall pass, even if it doesn't pass on my timetable.
ReplyDeleteWhat an awful feeling! It’s amazing how physical feelings and emotions entangle! Maybe it’s a good time to remember what you said before about being present in the moment, despite current disappointments and future unknowns. “Ok” is apparently an ok place to be since it’s your actual place. I’m glad you’ve written about this. It helps I’m sure. That said I’m wondering if you have tried acupuncture.., I love the overall feeling of connectedness and vague wellbeing when I do it. I believe our insurance covers it too. Blessings to you, Heather!
ReplyDeleteHeather, God bless your honesty in communicating with us; I had been wondering....and am so sorry that you are having to deal with so much of this raw nerve pain. My body reacts in empathy as I read your words. I can imagine how you are coping with being "okay" and "not okay" at the same time....not easy, in fact, so very difficult. I am so sad with you that you couldn't take the Moderator position - but you will someday - you are a leader; afraid that right now you have to deal less with the world and more with taking care of yourself (and I am quite sure you are tired of THAT). Thanks for the truth telling.....you remain at the top of my prayer list....I am praying that there is some respite from this pain for you. love and gentle hugs. Susan
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