No Gabba Gabba

I've been putting off this post for awhile now as it is most difficult to write.  Last time I talked to you I was beginning Gabapentin.  When you get this prescription the print out warns that 1 in 500 people may develop suicidal thoughts on this medicine.  It turns out that 1 in 500 is me.

At first the medicine was simply making me really emotional.  But as the days passed I began to be more and more unable to control my emotions.  I was crying at the drop of a hat, which isn't like me.  Not that I don't cry at every "Dog's Purpose" ad, just that I don't usually cry during the day, all the time and for no reason.

Less than two weeks into the medicine I was having trouble sleeping and beginning to feel more and more sad.  Then one day I just couldn't take it.  I skipped lunch and just drove home from work.  When I pulled into the garage my brain said, "We could just shut the garage door and leave the car running".  I said no.

I came inside and just cried and cried.  I had planned to wrap Christmas presents for the kids but I looked at the paper and just cried and cried.  I am the queen of Christmas and I love to wrap presents, to say this was out of character would be putting it mildly.  This was so far out of character it was bizarre.

Instead of wrapping presents I laid on my bed and sobbed.  The voice in my head told me I should simply "pull all my hair out" or "stab myself in the neck."  I sobbed and sobbed.  And the thing is, nothing was wrong.  There was absolutely nothing to be sad about.  Yes, I was bummed my foot still hurt but my foot always hurts.  Definitely not worth a two hour crying jag.

Finally I perked up a bit and looked again at my bottle of Gabapentin.  I began to think maybe the medicine was making me sad.  Right on the bottle it says to call the Dr right away if you have mood changes, sadness, depression, or fear.  So I emailed my DR and said maybe I needed to get off the medicine, I was extremely depressed.

I made it through that day.  It was frightening for me and for the kids.  I just kept going even though it was so very hard.  Imagine me crying while I was trying to make mac and cheese for their dinner.  They didn't understand but I just said my medicine was making me sad.

The next day I heard back from the Dr.   His nurse called and told me to titrate off that medicine.  But she said the Dr thought that wasn't really a side effect of the meds, and that I needed counseling.  Unbelievable!  Not that there is anything wrong with counseling but it was so totally the meds!  Drs should know the side effects of this stuff.  I could have killed myself!  How many people has he prescribed that to?  I was angry.

I am off the meds now and am feeling completely back to normal.  Thank God I survived that episode, took action, and kept myself safe.  I have been referred to a pain specialist and have a new diagnosis for what's happening in my left foot.  "Complex Regional Pain Syndrome".  I'll write more about that and my new treatment later.

In the meantime, watch out for those meds!  They really can affect your brain.  Take those warnings seriously and listen to your loved ones if they are having a problem with side effects from medications.  That stuff is dangerous and Drs aren't always paying attention.

Yo Gabba Gabba!

Hey friends!  Things are progressing and I am doing well.  Monday I saw my doctor and got permission to remove my boot cast.  I also got a prescription for Gabapentin.  This is a drug commonly given for nerve pain.  Boy is it helping!  Praise Jesus I can sleep at night.  After a month of not sleeping I was becoming a real monster.

The bummer with Gabapentin is the side effects: drowsiness, dizziness, blurred vision, etc.  Basically it feels like a great big glass of wine.  This is awesome if you are staying home all day to chill.  This is less awesome if you have to go to work, write sermons, drive your car, make dinner, etc.  I have been trying to find a balance.  Yesterday I didn't take it so I could drive the kids to the Orthodontist an hour away.  The problem was, my foot was killing me with nerve pain.  By the time I did take it, it didn't really help.  So . . . that plan didn't work.

Today I am trying to stay on it so it can help the foot.  I don't feel as drunk as I did the first day I took it.  (There was an $80 unintended Walgreens shopping spree that day)  I think overtime I will adjust to it.  I am so eager to be without the nerve pain that I am willing to be drowsy.  And hey, what's wrong with being chill all day?  Hopefully things will balance out in a few weeks.

In other news, my foot is dumb.  I don't mean that as an insult I mean it as literally dumb.  Defined by Merriam Webster as silent or lacking some usual attribute.  Half of my left foot is not feeling.  Draw a line from the tip of the toes down to the heal, length wise, and the inside half of my foot feels and the outside half doesn't.  Its like walking on a foot that's asleep without the tingling.  It's not a pleasant sensation.  And it may or may not resolve over time.  I told the DR and he said, "yup".  That's what happens when you keep cutting in the same spot.

So my dumb foot and me just keep going.  We walk the dog in the morning with our stupid looking limp but both her and I are so happy to be outside we don't care.  Next week I will try playing the harp with this dumb thing.  The pedals won't feel right but we'll figure it out.

I also talked to the DR about the next MRI.  It will be late summer before we find out if this surgery worked or if my evil tumor is still in my ankle growing away.  Until then, its me and my dumb foot making our way in the world.  With the help of a Gabapentin high.  Good times.