It's been awhile since I posted. That's because I am really struggling and I don't want to talk about it.
This has been a difficult few weeks. It is good to put weight on the foot. I am still wearing a big boot but I am able to walk slowly without my cane. Plus, my scar is healing very nicely and I don't have too much swelling. So back to work full time and things look good.
But things don't feel good. I am having nerve pain. A lot of nerve pain. My whole leg below the knee is super sensitive to touch. And my pinkie toe is on fire. It feels like I've had a giant blister and all the skin has peeled off. Nothing is wrong with it of course, everything appears normal. But the pain is intense. Nothing feels good. If I take my sock off to let it breathe after 15 minutes I can no longer stand the pain of the air on my toe.
To make matters worse the pain is always changing. Some days I am ok during the day. Some days, like today, I get waves of pain in all my toes. Today it feels like someone is torturing me with electric shocks administered to my toes at random intervals.
There is no relief for this that I can find. Tylenol and Advil don't touch it. It's not like any normal ache or pain I have had. It is electric pain energy. During the day I just try to ignore it and keep going. During the night I can't sleep at all. I lie in bed and try to relax and accept the pain. It's all in my head right? But my body wants to escape the electricity so my legs just keep kicking. Not fun.
In other news, yesterday I was supposed to be installed as Moderator of my Presbytery. Only I wasn't supposed to be I guess, because I had to resign from that position. It is hard watching that moment pass. I know if it is God's will, I will have a chance again. But still, I am sad. I couldn't get to the Presbytery meeting, I can hardly get through my day. And I can't commit to any committees, I can't even commit to a family summer vacation. I don't know what's happening, when the next surgery is, or how long I will have my foot. The next few years are totally up in the air. So yeah, that touches a nerve too.
So, I haven't posted because I am upset. I know I should feel happy, I have my foot right? But I am really struggling with pain and disappointment and fear. What if this nerve problem can't be resolved? This is the exact brain mapping type pain that I read about when I was studying up on amputation. I am so afraid this will never end and then we will amputate and then this will be my phantom limb pain forever. This is so not the path I wanted to be on.
So yeah. I just keep going. I'm ok. This morning my husband pointed out I always say that, "I'm ok". I think that's because its the only thing I can say. Not being OK is not an option right now. If I keep telling myself I'm ok then maybe I will be.
